We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
