I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
