***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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