U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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