Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
