if i can run in heels then i can drive
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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