Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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