I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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