I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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