There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
