I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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