Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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