Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize