There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
