You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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