it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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