Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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