We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
