I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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