god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
