Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
