Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Randomize
