the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
