i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
