It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Randomize
