I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
he thought i was a dude.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
