i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
