Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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