I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
