I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
