allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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