I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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