im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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