where am i from again
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
