I just saw a hot homeless man
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Randomize
