Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
