When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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