1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
