Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
