I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
