apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
