you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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