worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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