Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize