I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
