Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
