i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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