Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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