when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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