Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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