I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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