i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
