The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
