my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
