yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
