Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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