That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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