after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
