Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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