thus making me awesome and them whores
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize